Dissolution Of Self: All You Need Is Love

I've been writing these last weeks about the dissolution of the small, individual identity into the vast, eternal presence of the Divine. As St. John of the Cross wrote in the final stanza of his Dark Night of the Soul, "I remained, lost in oblivion; My face I reclined on the Beloved. All ceased and I abandoned myself, Leaving my cares forgotten among the lilies." In our realization of oneness, we must inevitably become emptied of the self - dissolved into nothing, to possess everything.

In recent posts, I have shared personal experiences of this most blessed and intense process of dissolution. From the embers of the ego's burning arises a startling and profound phoenix from the ashes. Love. To simply be Present with whatever is arising, truly and single-pointedly Present, without strategy to distract, deceive oneself, resist or evade...that is Love. To stay Present to the most seemingly shameful or heinous qualities within ourselves or others, without judgment or resistance, is Love.

The love I speak of is not one of common definition. It is not an emotive love, dripping with sentimentality or affection. Nor is it a romantic love, infused with infatuation or adoration of another. It is not familial love, like one would experience through the bond of kinship.

This love is the naked opening into Grace. Unconditioned by any factor. It is vast and eternal, available without reserve in every moment. The Divine Mother holds everything within her bosom - joy and ecstasy abide side by side with pain, anger, jealously and every form of human suffering. There is not a single aspect excluded. There is nothing out of order. She is All That. We are All That.

As I open into Divine Presence, I recognize instantly and with certainty: for every part of "me" that feels lost and lonely and confused, 6 billion people feel the same way. Everything you feel touches my heart, and the tenderness my heart yearns for will also soothe your sorrow. We are not separate. We are one heart in this place of Presence.

For you, then, I love. I choose to stay present to whatever arises. And through Presence I care for all of us. Through meeting my shadow, I meet the shadow of all of humanity. And I stand here. With open arms. Greeting it ALL. I do this for every soul who cries. For every soul who is cold and hungry and alone. For every soul who carries heart sorrow beyond their capacity to hold it. And for every soul who longs to be home but does not feel at home in this world. My heart is stretched so wide that all of creation rests upon my breast and it is no longer heavy. It is as light as a feather.
This Presence is so unfathomably vast that all suffering evaporates like the morning mist, leaving only the radiant light of the Beloved. My Beloved. Our Beloved. OursSelf. In our Divine Love Making every drop of sweat is sacred. Every sigh, every heave. Every scratch of the fingernail and nick of the heart. Every inch of your sacred body is my body and as I love you I become You.

Confessions Of A Mystic

Just as one cannot adequately describe in words the juicy sweetness of a ripe pear or the shocking depth of the color indigo, so too it seems impossible to relay in words the ecstasy of divine union.

While I have been blessed with intermittent perception of divine union, these evolving enlightenment experiences have been more than enough to fuel a devoted inner journey. For years, I have engaged in intense sadhana, meditating, studying and traveling with an enlightened master who often reminds us his role is not to put out fires, but to start them. I have offered every part of myself without reserve (or so I believed) into the fire for burning.

Throughout this journey, I have yearned and prayed that my individual identity would be dissolved so completely that I might merge into permanent oneness with the Beloved. I have awaited the day when the Divine would take from me that which is not mine - this silly charade of an ego that keeps this great lover from her Beloved.

I must now confess. I never thought much about how this dissolution would look or feel, nor did it really matter. I suppose I assumed the intense but generally "manageable" dismantling I'd experienced over many years would simply come to a happy completion. How nice. My Beloved would simply say, "Come, my dear, you've been away for far too long", and sacred lovers would join in ecstatic embrace. It would be glorious and sweet...rapturous but gentle.

I did not realize the hard, irregular edges of my heart would first need to be shattered. That the chards would pierce me in ways I thought not possible to be penetrated. That the shadow realm would unleash its ghosts, requiring all aspects of the hidden self to be reckoned with and reclaimed. I did not know that the ego, like a vicious and wounded animal, would take hostage the internal witness, co-opting perception into the unbearable pain of its own dying. I did not know this. Thank you, mercy, I did not know this, but nor would it have mattered.

In this painful but potent process, everything has been stripped away - every belief, everything I thought I knew, every comforting sense of who "I" am and my place in the world. All gone. All concepts like quicksand under my feet. With no place to stand, I have prayed, "Devastate me if you must. Erase this ignorance until there is no "me" left, but only You. My heart feels broken beyond any hope of repair...so please don't stop until the job is done."

Into this naked and undefended heart-space marched a parade of disgusting and shameful qualities out the shadow. One by one these shadow aspects were received, first with resistance, anger, and argument. Then with humiliation, resignation. And finally, as all resistance crumbled, with acceptance and forgiveness. I am That. As the parade marched on it became almost freakishly humorous. The full range of misfits and derelicts in my psyche, and my insane resistance to them, would have been hilariously absurd had it not been so depressing to my ego. Ok, I get it, I'm all That.

In my last post, I shared much of this process in a very raw and tender way, but what followed in these last weeks was something new emerged. After reclaiming these shadow qualities came a phase of deep somatic reckoning. Visceral emotional states defying description moved in waves through my being. With no external provocation arose feelings of despair, depression, death. My teacher, Dattatreya Siva Baba, would continually ask, "Why are you so attached to your mind? You keep acting as if these experiences are you."

Even from within this terrible nightmare, I knew my identification with the experience was a fallacy. Of course, I'd been trained to cultivate meditative states of witnessing attention for over a decade. But I'd never been asked to die while doing it. How to relax? How to resurrect the witness while at the same time being crucified? The ego was experiencing such a radical and vicious dissolution that it was lashing out violently for its survival. "I" was consumed by the experience, identifying with the agony as everything I once called "me" evaporated into mist.

I prayed for grace. Grace responded. I was asked simply to see and feel 'What Is'. Be fully attentive to the moment. I was being taught deeper Presence by virtue of these most excruciating experiences. The ravaging was so complete that no possibility remained but abject humility. We all want to be special, but we are neither more nor less special than anyone else. We are only witness to 'What Is' in every moment.

Resisting the urge to distract myself or push away the experience, I acquiesced. First subtly and then more fully, I chose to stay present, to meet even the darkest moment with undefended awareness. I will see and feel 'What Is' in all its nakedness. No matter how heinous or heartbreaking, I will bear witness.

With this choice came a deep and undeniable...love. It was a startling and expansive revelation: Presence is love. Being fully available to 'What Is', however terrifying or sublime, is love.

With deep humility, I realized how limited my love has been. Confined and conscripted to the narrow set of ways I've felt comfortable offering it. Often subconsciously resisting or contorting 'What Is', rather than meeting it face to face, I have not fully loved. While many would say I have loved generously and well, the love of Presence was something altogether different - vast, unconditioned, infinitely capable and merciful. And existing right now.

By meeting this death with Presence, agreeing not to run or hide or change anything, choosing to stay right there as long as required - a day, a year, a decade, a lifetime - Grace was present. My Beloved was there. Waiting.

There was, after all, only One of us.

What It Means To Delete Everything And Start Over

Today's post is a personal journey. I haven't written in several weeks as I've been in a terrible state - lost, confused, despairing. Raw and vulnerable. Shattered. My only small comfort has been knowing this is a well-worn path. Many mystics have written about the Dark Night of the Soul, the narrow passage tread by those seeking freedom and union with the Divine.

I debated whether to write this post, questioning what value I could really offer from a place of such agony and confusion? Yet, some internal voice prodded me forward. Share the process, share the experience...

These last months have taken me into a depth of spiritual despair previously unimaginable. The experience has been a ruthless stripping away of my false, idealized sense of self. Having studied with a spiritual master for many years, this process is not new, of course...but it has never been this ruthless. This has taken me to ground zero - a massive deconstruction of the remaining image of who "I" am. It has mercilessly dissolved my most cherished beliefs, and shattered every assumption about what I thought was true.

The truth is, no matter how I attempt to project some virtuous image, the conflict of this world is a direct reflection of the qualities within me. One by one, in excruciating succession, these qualities have been paraded out of their safe hiding places -- during interactions with others, in discussions with my teacher, in meditations and dreams -- as if the doors to my inner shadow world have been blown open and all the demons released. I am judgmental and self-righteous. I am petty, jealous and angry. I am all these ugly qualities and many more. One by one, I have resisted, struggled, defended and finally confessed "Yes, I am That," reluctantly finding a place at the table for each of these haggard visitors. "Here you are, my dear, you are no longer excluded but invited as my beloved guest - please come home."

And while perhaps it sounds like a liberating process to face ones demons and invite them back into the heart, each step has been death. My idealized identity, the safe picture of "self" which has shielded me from these shameful aspects, is crumbling into nothingness. There is nothing to hold onto. There is no ground to stand upon. I am DYING. And it is terrifying.

Despite the pain and despair, I have tried to stay alert, watchful. I want to find out what this dying is. I have discovered an enormous burden of sorrow and suffering within me. I want to know if I can be free from this false self and from this sorrow.

As I have hurtled toward oblivion, it has felt like my skin is being pealed off, followed by muscle and tendon and bone until there is nothing left. Everything must die this inevitable death. What is Truth? How can one know the answer unless everything is stripped away? Every veil, every gauze of perception, every conditioned belief.

"Delete everything and start over," suggested a good friend. All my well worn beliefs? Piles of crap. Delete. Everything I thought I knew? Bullshit. Delete. My personality? A bunch of absurd story lines. I have slowly been deleting everything and starting over.

Well, nearly everything...everything except two of my most sacred attachments, my deepest heart longings -- seeking enlightenment (striving for some great liberation), and merging with God (transcending this mortal frame and experiencing union with the Divine). Since childhood these spiritual notions have been the bedrock of my belief. But now I see that, in my seeking, I can never arrive. In the Becoming, I can never Be. These beliefs must go too. My body, mind and soul are wracked with fear and grief. What will remain after my most cherished yearnings are cast away? My chest feels crushed with the pressure of a thousand boulders resting upon it. But in the completeness of my despair, I give up these too. I lay these most sacred treasures down and walk away from them.

Now I sit without God, without enlightenment. I feel dead inside. It is dark here. I wish I could say there is no pain left, but that would be a deception, a denial of What Is. What Is? A soft breeze. The sound of water running, and a helicopter thumping overhead. Warm mid-day sun on my skin. Lots of empty space inside -- a ravaged field with fertile ground, but nothing growing and no delusions about whether it should or ever will.

I am completely and utterly alone. Stripped naked. Raw. Seeing Reality, perhaps for the first time.

Oddly enough, I am reminded of the movie V for Vendetta, in which V tortures Edie mercilessly until she realizes that everything can be stripped away from her except her capacity to love. "Every inch of me will perish - every inch except one...it is small and it is fragile, but it is the only thing in the world worth having." In this realization, she becomes fearless and free.

Grace Light Meditation: Opening Up The Heartland

My post this week is a short chronicle from the road, deep from the heart of the Grace Light tour. Several weeks ago, I posted an article titled Amazing Grace, which explored the role of grace and divine intervention in awakening humanity to new levels of enlightened existence. Many of you responded, either in the blog comments or to me personally, and even more of you have approached me at subsequent Grace Light events.

Our planet, and all of humanity, is currently undergoing a major evolutionary transformation. This is impacting our environment, our social structures, and our individual and collective consciousness. In order to make a positive evolutionary leap, we must cultivate expanded capacities for compassion, peace and service, all of which emerge with the opening of the heart.

Great masters and mystics have long taught the necessity of awakening the heart. One such master, Dattatreya Siva Baba, an enlightened saint from the Tamil Siddha tradition of southern India has recently revealed a sacred process handed down within his lineage for awakening various centers in the subtle body, including the heart center. This process is essential, he says, to infuse the body with greater light and to activate the divine intelligence latent within us.

"Ours is a unique time in human history. A doorway is opening for each and every person to absorb profound divine energies and to be conduits for the greater awakening of the heart of humanity. This is an opportunity to be part of a global shift in human consciousness."

To help steward this transformation, he has created a series of public blessings called Igniting the Heart of Humanity which include a "Grace Light" meditation for opening the heart center. The first gathering, held just one month ago in the historic Grace Cathedral of San Francisco, involved over 700 people giving and receiving grace light with one another. Simultaneously that evening, events were held in ten cities around the world (New York, Toronto, Montreal, London, Stockholm, Frankfurt, Singapore, Chennai, etc.), with over 100,000 people participating in the Grace Light meditation globally.

Almost immediately YouTube caught wind of the program and featured the Grace Light meditation video on their homepage. Over 250,000 people watched the Grace Light meditation within 8 hours, followed by several million hits on www.thegracelight.com in just a few weeks. The message seemed to resonate.

"Our only real hope is to look deeper for the essential divinity within us," says Dattatreya Siva Baba. "Awakening compassion, love and divine intelligence on a collective scale is the only way to find permanent solutions to our problems."

As co-producer of the Grace Light tour, I've had the privilege to travel with Dattatreya Siva Baba and witness the impact first-hand. According to those who have received it (and speaking from personal experience), the Grace Light blessing is a profound healing experience. It involves opening channels in the energetic body through a process Dattatreya calls the "9-Gate process", which enables each person to become a carrier of the grace light and to emanate peace and joy into the world.

This last week the Grace Light tour rolled through the Midwest states, the heartland of America, with events in Chicago, Ann Arbor and St. Louis before heading back to Chicago and San Diego over the weekend for full-day workshops. It seemed somehow appropriate to be lighting up the heartland...not only of our country, but also of each participant.

"I have incarnated innumerable times in service to the Grace Light, as a saint or sage of nearly every religion," says Dattatreya. Even so, I am only one conduit to receive and spread the light. Who is going to transmit it? Every one of you. In this way, the light will quickly spread to all who need it. Let us all join together and embody the light and carry it to our fellow men and women."

If you are interested in attending an upcoming Grace Light event in Albuquerque, New York, Boston, Raleigh, or Washington DC, or to learn more, visit www.thegracelight.com.

Tune Into a New Channel

My previous post explored a short aphorism from the Siva Sutras - "Knowledge is Bondage" - which warned that grasping for knowledge obscures true wisdom.

Some of you expressed concern that I was condoning ignorance or apathy - quite the contrary! If you reflect more deeply on the sutra, you will see that it suggests a path toward supreme intelligence. Given the profundity of this message, I thought it worthwhile to explore further...

To start, we should make a subtle distinction between "knowledge" and "wisdom". Gaining knowledge is a process of structuring reality in a particular, defined configuration using the apparatus of the rational mind. "Rationality" comes from the root "ratio" or "ration" which means to portion, meter out, or restrict. Our rational mind uses a short-hand method for metering out reality so we can manage it. While this may seem a useful too for navigating a complex world, if we are not exceptionally careful and highly alert (which most of us are not), our rationing obscures deeper truth.

Wisdom, on the other hand, is a state non-linear intelligence free from rationalization or restriction. This intelligence is infinite. Omniscient. Indeed, enlightenment has been described as the direct apprehension of reality without the intervening gauze of preconception. The enlightened individual is free to use logic, or not, as the situation requires, since his or her experience of reality is free from conceptual restriction.

The rational mind and the omniscient mind work differently. It's something like this: Channel 2, 4, 5, 7 and hundreds of other channels are broadcasting simultaneously, yet the logical mind can only tune into one channel. Depending on our mental capacity, cultural conditioning and various other predispositions, we tune into the channel that matches our current frequency, or level of "knowledge". We resonate with people tuned into the same frequency and squabble with those on different frequencies, continually defending what we "know" to be true.

The Omniscient mind can apprehend all channels at once without any distortion or conflict. There is no separation in time or space. No distinction between cause and effect, or subject and object. There is no duality. Said another way, if you move your consciousness out of the logical mind, you can actually "tune in" to the simultaneous content of all channels. For an advanced yogi, this means direct apprehension of the fullness of reality without the intercession of any mental constructs.
In Patanjali's Yoga Sutra's, he says, "Yoga citta vrtti nirodha." Yoga is stopping the fluctuation of the mind. In his parlance, rational knowledge belongs to "citta" which is the mind. This is counterposed to "Cit" which is the wisdom or superconsciousness belonging to the heart. We are in a balanced state of union (or yoga) only when the mind ceases to fluctuate and comes into alignment with the higher intelligence of the heart.

"Hrdaye citta samghatad, drshe swapa darshanam," declares the Siva Sutras, and similarly Patanjali adds, "Hrdaye citta samvit." The essence of both of these aphorisms can be translated as "when the mind merges with the heart, supreme intelligence or pure consciousness is attained."

The goal is to release the mind from limiting constructs which obscure wisdom, so that you might become liberated in pure consciousness. In this enlightened state, you can wield logic as necessary but not rely upon it as your only tool.

If you choose, instead, to foolishly cling to your tiny bit of knowledge, it will become your bondage.

I'm certainly not proposing replacing knowledge with greater ignorance (in fact, sages and rishis would say we're in a pretty ignorant state already). I would, however, propose replacing knowledge with supreme intelligence...omniscience...the great wisdom of the heart.

Any takers?

Knowledge Is Bondage

We have come to believe in our society that acquisition of knowledge is the hallmark of an intelligent, accomplished person. We strive to better ourselves by taking in more information, learning more skills, processing more facts, assimilating more content, and applying more of what we know.

We are better off when we "know", right? After all, when we don't know, we are unsure of ourselves. We are uncomfortable and anxious not knowing. We perceive knowledge as giving us dominance over our environment and each other. Certainty gives us comfort and eliminates fear, so we desire to develop certain knowledge. We give it a top priority in our lives.

Let me offer a different perspective on knowledge from the wisdom traditions...

In the Siva Sutras, the enlightened being Siva, shares a pithy but powerful aphorism: "Jnanam Bandhah", which translates from Sanskrit as "Knowledge is Bondage." What does he mean? Siva manages to pack a mighty punch in this little statement. He uses each word with great diligence and precision, and the phrase is loaded with meaning.

First, Siva acknowledges that the process of knowing quite literally binds things together. From unbounded chaos, "knowing" binds information together which is otherwise disorganized. Like the binding of a book, we take many loose concepts with countless possible configurations and solidify them into a defined volume. The process of gaining knowledge requires the infinite to become finite. Finiteness gives us comfort because is manageable - we like things to be definite and bounded. However, by Siva's standard, knowing is a degenerative process.

Second, knowledge limits our freedom. By forcing the infinite to become finite, we lose unity consciousness and are thrust into duality. As we freeze reality into a specific, defined configuration, we lose perspective of the whole. We perceive ourselves as separate from others. Knowledge is a concealing factor that makes us ignorant of our true nature. This identification with duality, caused by our reliance on the intellect and sense perceptions, is the source of human suffering.

Jaideva Singh, in his commentary on the Siva Sutras explains, "Man is bound...so long as he allows himself to be confined to the limited knowledge of his senses and mentation. When he recognizes his true nature, he is free."

In the Bible, when Adam and Eve "fell" from grace, the first experience they had was "they knew." Prior to the Fall, they were in unity consciousness - one with the Divine. That knowledge-free state was supreme bliss and freedom. The state prior to the Fall is not very different from the Buddha's concept of emptiness and Nirvana. When we are free from knowledge, we can empty the mind and experience the bliss of our true nature.

Zen also touches on this notion with their phrase, "When you know, you don't know, and when you don't know, you know."

So, various traditions describe this state in various ways - Nirvana or "emptiness", Satori or "no mind", Nirvakalpa Samadhi or "though-free, divine bliss." In these states, supreme intelligence beyond intellectual knowledge is experienced. By dropping our attachment to knowledge, ironically, we can become all-knowing.

By declaring that knowledge is bondage, Siva is asking us to stop being a slave to our limited knowledge, and to become free. No matter how impressive our intellectual repertoire, it is childs play compared to the vast intelligence of the Divine. Give up identification with knowledge. Set yourself free from bondage. Be fluid. Be in the space of 'don't know', and from there you will know everything.

Stand Up For The Light

After reading my post on Grace last week (along with the string of blog comments that followed), a friend dashed me a quick note. Her email read something like this: "Don't let 'em get you down. Keep standing up for the light!"

Now, I'm well aware that the HuffPo crowd is a bit more urban-edgy than, say, the readers of BeliefNet or Christian Science Monitor. I'm guessing the "Inner Life" columns aren't what bring you salivating to the keyboard each Monday morning. Even so, for most of us, there's usually room for a little more brightness and insight (especially on Monday morning), so this week I'd like to explore the sacred symbolism of Light.

Carl Jung did a great service for the intellectual world by making sacred concepts palatable. He appropriated God and religious mythology through the notion of "archetypes", collective imagery or symbolism shared across traditions. Jung also theorized that every culture would interpret God through its own cultural lens, what he called the "cultural inflection" of the archetype. In this way, each tradition preserves its own idiosyncrasy while still relating to a deeper shared pattern.

The sacred archetype of Light appears in nearly every tradition, with myriad cultural inflections. Here are just a few to ponder:

Light as Liberated Matter (Body)

Scientists have proven that our universe, while often appearing solid, is a vast vortex of energy. Einstein discovered the famous equation that governs the mechanics of atomic behavior, E=mc2. A few simple but profound conclusions flow of Einstein's work. Matter is in fact congealed energy. As Einstein said, "Matter is light stopped." Yet, light prefers a non-material expression and its natural physic is to seek release from the confines of matter.

Similarly, our natural evolutionary impulse as psycho-biological systems is to evolve beyond the confines of matter. Great mystics like Sri Aurobindo and Swami Ramalingam spent their entire lives working to purify the body-mind so that matter itself would gain more intelligence and evolve, perhaps ultimately being released entirely into light.

Light as Consciousness & Intelligence (Mind)

The light of consciousness governs the emergence and disappearance of thoughts within the mind, as well as the discriminating function that chooses among them. Our level of consciousness determines which thoughts we identify with, how we respond, and ultimately our entire experience of reality. For many millennia, humanity has been operating in relative darkness, exercising a limited consciousness that creates conflict, struggle, poverty and suffering. Given our current identifications and reactions - most notably fear, scarcity and exploitation - we seem to be in need of greater light.

In esoteric traditions like kundalini yoga, the yogis discovered that certain energy centers in the body directly correspond to dormant parts of the brain which hold vast amounts of unlocked potential. As those energy centers become enlivened and enlightened, new mental and intuitive capacities are stimulated, awakening seemingly "super-human" or "divine" intelligence. This supreme intelligence or radiant inner light, often depicted on religious icons as an aura around the head or body, has been described by the saints, prophets and enlightened masters of all faiths throughout the ages.

In the Tamil language of southern India, this light is called 'Arul'. 'Arul' is defined as "soul intelligence" as opposed to 'Marul' which means "mind intelligence". Science and technology would fall under 'Marul'. Humanity's current mind intelligence, while certainly useful, is not sufficient to wisely correct our problems. The nurturing of a new "soul intelligence", a new type of consciousness beyond logic, is required to evolve both the individual and the collective into a higher order of enlightened existence.

Light as God (Spirit)

In the New Testament, John 1:5 says, "This is the message we have heard from Jesus and proclaim to you, that God is Light and in Him is no darkness at all." Light is an expression of the Divine, not of one religion but of all religions. It is the burning bush for Moses, the light of Jesus that blinded Paul on the road to Damascus, the power of Allah as perceived by Mohammad, the inner light of the Buddha and the enlightened ones of all faiths. There is not a single religion that doesn't glorify the light.

"The hero is the one who kindles a great light in the world, who sets up blazing torches in the dark streets of life for men to see by," wrote American educator and author, Felix Adler. "The saint is the man who walks through the dark paths of the world, himself a light." As we awaken divine intelligence, realizing the inherently radiant nature of the soul, the human becomes the Divine.

Now for the cynics among you: you don't need to take my word for it. You can know the light through your own direct experience. Test it in your life. Become a scientist. Investigate with an open mind.

For the rest of you: do the same. Tap into the collective archetype. Let the light fill you - body, mind and spirit. Given our deep connection with this shared sacred symbol, it doesn't take much to stand up for the light.


For more on "Grace" and "Light", visit www.thegracelight.com